Markus dumps all over Citizen Kane

Today I had to sit through a colossal piece of shit called Citizen Kane. Actually let me rephrase that, this morning I had to get up at 6am to go sit in an ice cold classroom, to watch a big fat piece of shit called Citizen Kane. This movie is supposedly one of the greatest films ever made and I can’t for the life of me imagine why. I can only venture to guess that all previous movies in the 1940’s had sucked such ass that when this semi-coherent turd was released that it some how seemed amazing. It’s an average girl in a bar full of fat chicks if you will, nothing special but in that environment she’s an all-star.

Basically Citizen Kane is about a rich douche who tries too hard to force people to like him and ends up dying old and alone before muttering the word ‘rosebud’. Obviously the mystery behind the word Rosebud is somehow worthy of plotting an entire two hour movie around. (note to Orson Welles- it’s not) So we, the audience, are forced to endure the life of Charles Kane as told through various flashbacks narrated by the people who knew him.

Perhaps the use of non-linear story telling is why this film was considered groundbreaking. Maybe we owe the use of flashbacks in the TV series LOST to Orson Welles, though I doubt it because those flashbacks are actually interesting and tell a good story. Through those flashbacks we get to see a character from multiple points of view and gain a perspective on why they make certain decisions. None of that is accomplished in Kane who is basically portrayed the same throughout the film. I never at any point identify with or feel sorry for him.

Finally after sitting through two hours of his dull rich guy life of running newspapers and buying statues we are treated to finding out that Rosebud was the name of the sleigh he had as a child before he was forced to start leading his tough life as a rich asshole. That has to be one of the worst payoffs I’ve ever come across in a movie in my life. So thank you for wasting two hours of my time. It’s bad enough the story paid more attention to Kane’s second wife’s obsession with Jigsaw puzzles than ever exploring the death of his first wife and son. But hey why bother with that? I mean the death of your child wouldn’t affect your psyche or explain anything about the things you do, just gloss over it and continue on with the story.

In the end you can learn one thing from this abomination of story telling: If my dying words are ‘Atari’ please note it was my favorite childhood toy and it if that is all I have to say at the end please just toss me and a hole and move on with your day.

Will Coach For Food

The first round of the NFL playoffs has yet to begin but the coaching carousel is already in full swing. Firings have gone down in New York, Cleveland, Detroit, and surprisingly Denver. Add that to the list of already open positions ( San Francisco, Oakland, and St. Louis) and impending retirements (Indy and Seattle) and we could be looking at nearly half the league turning over its head coaching ranks in 2009; assuming some other firings have yet to go down in Cinncinati, Kansas City, and Washington.

If I were a potential head coaching candidate I’d take one look at this list and promptly call up Fox and ask if I can do the pre-game show again next season. Outside of Denver these franchisees are god awful. A high school coach wouldn’t touch the Oakland Raiders job and I can’t imagine anybody in any line of work that would consider a move to Detroit to be a good career decision. No amount of good coaching can overcome dysfunctional ownership. The NFL is letting Al Davis control of franchise while being blatantly senile and the Ford Family runs the Lions about as well as they make cars.

In Cleveland, Romeo Crennel gets the boot which I understand but they also boot General Manager Phil Savage which I just don’t get. Phil is a good draft guy and he’s done a great job acquiring talent for that team through free agency and trade. It’s not his fault Romeo is horrible play caller and that Brady Quinn got hurt in his 2nd game. As far as I know the only boner Savage pulled was resigning Derrick Anderson instead of trading him for more draft picks and even that wasn’t that bad. The really disturbing thing is the Browns ownership is hiring their new GM and Head Coach at the same time. That just shows they don’t understand how a franchise is run. Hiring a HC before you hire a GM is like electing a Vice President before the Presidential Primary . Of course seeing as how they are a division rival I’m not really losing any sleep over this one.

Finally there is the New York Jets job which even top guys like Bill Cowher and Mike Shanahan are shying away from. It seems like nobody wants to deal with Princess Favre and the famed New York Media. Frankly I think Favre and the NY media deserve each other, a true match made in hell. I can see the headlines now when Brett opts to play another season ‘Jets Acquire 20+ Interceptions for 2009 Season!’ The Jets problem is that ownership is impatient and they seem to burn through coaches every two or three years making the team is such a hodge podge of different men’s vision from over the past decade They can’t operate as a cohesive unit. Eric Magini, the fired coach in this mess will probably end up better off the in 5 year than the Jets or the poor sap they end hiring. (and later firing).

There still may be more firings to come, Marvin Lewis could be fired but because Bengals owner Mike Brown is a notorious cheapskate he won’t’ be. Williams and Gruden in Dallas and Tampa Bay retrospectively should be fired but probably won’t. Jim Zorn never should have been hired and I have no idea how guys like Norv Turner and Herm Edwards keep getting jobs in the NFL to begin with.

FINAL TAKE:
In the end all I ask is 1 thing; somebody please hire Brian Billick. I really miss watching Billick and his ego take on the idiot media every week and the potential of watching a Billick/Boller reunion, ideally in D.C. would just attract too much morbid curiosity for me to possibly avoid not watching every minute of it.

This is Why Baseball Sucks.

Last Wednesday afternoon I received emails from three separate people all entitled “THIS IS WHY BASEBALL SUCKS!” each one containing a link to the news that Baltimore area native Mark Teixeira ‘sold out’ and took a megabucks contract with the New York Yankees. It was part of a half-billion dollar spending spree by the Yanks that included aces C.C. Sabathia and A.J. Burnett, a spending spree that some say is not over yet with Manny Ramirez and Derek Lowe now on the evil empire’s radar. The Yankees aren’t just outbidding other teams there blowing them away to the point even officials on other teams such as Brewers owner Mark Attanasio are starting to speak out about how he simply can’t compete anymore.

Some people will point out that despite all their spending the Yanks have not won a World Series in eight years (like that is some epic amount of time) while neglecting to mention they’ve bought their way to the postseason 7 of those eight years. The small market Tampa Bay Rays may have made it to the championship in 2008 but only after 10 years of being beaten down into last place by the Yankees and Red Sox. Frankly Major League Baseball has a big problem on their hands and they either don’t know or don’t care. Competition is their product and the product is suffering badly. The competition is well on its way to becoming a complete and total sham.

Many are speaking out that baseball needs a salary cap in order to restore competitive balance and I agree but what is it going to take, an Owner’s lock out? MLB disenfranchised a large portion of its fan base the last time there was a strike (which resulted in the canceling of the World Series). The kicker of that strike was after it was all said and done with they still hadn’t gotten it right. They didn’t even come close to getting it right. I personally would love to see a group of teams decided so succeed from the league and start a new one but that isn’t likely to happen. So what type of changes can be made to give teams like Baltimore, Kansas City, Pittsburgh, all once proud franchises, a fair shot?

Weighted Schedules

In the NFL, a portion of a team’s schedule is determined by how they placed the previous season. First place teams play other first place teams while last place teams play other last place teams. This allows for quicker turnarounds, look no further than the current season where Baltimore, Atlanta, and Miami are all on the cusp of making the playoffs 1 year removed from disastrous seasons. This is something that MLB needs to adopt ASAP. Should the Yanks play as many games vs the Kansas City Royals and Baltimore Orioles as they do vs. the Los Angles Angels and Boston Red Sox? I don’t think so. I don’t find 100 wins that impressive when 2/3’s of them come against drastically inferior opponents.

Maximum Player Salaries

By my calculations Mark Teixeira will make approx $33,000 per at bat in 2009 based on a 600 at bat season. That is ridiculous. This is a kid’s game. Nobody deserves to make that much money to do anything. How can you expect fans to relate to players who make more money in 1 game than they make a year? If the league won’t institute a cap on a team’s salary, than they should put a one on a player’s salary. I’ll randomly say it’s five million dollars. If that isn’t enough money for some greedy athlete and his agent please feel free to simply not play. I’d rather watch players who love the game playing in the cities they want to be in than continue to watch this farce.


Eliminate Teams

The league simply has too many teams, the talent pool, especially the pitching talent pool, have become extremely watered down. It is probably as big a contributor to inflated homeruns numbers as steroids have been. In 1988 there were 26 teams as opposed to 30 today. Four teams may not sound like much but it means there are 100 players (25 of each team) in the majors right now who would not have been talented enough to reach the big show 20 years ago. Factor is the minor league systems of those franchises and things get really messed up.

It’s unlikely the league will just revoke membership to some pointless franchises like Tampa, Florida, D.C. etc but the economy may do it for them. These teams weren’t drawing fans before the economic meltdown I can’t imagine they’ll do well this summer. Perhaps they can ask New York for a bailout, they obviously have the money.

In the end, Major League Baseball’s worst enemy is Major League Baseball. The league is more resistant to change than a 90 year old man in a nursing home. We’re talking about a league that after 30 years still can’t decide on whether or not to have a designated hitter. A league that lets home field advantage of its marquee World Series be determined by the result of mid-summer exhibition game. A league that in my opinion is due for a serious economic wakeup call this summer and a league that will get a whole lot uglier before it gets any better.


FINAL TAKE

I personally don’t blame Mark Teixeira for going to New York. The bottom line is that he’s a competitive guy and wants to have a chance to win every year. That is just something no amount of money from the Orioles could overcome.